I’ve been MIA from writing, because as you’ve guessed it- I am tired of having cancer. I’m tired of feeling it, looking at it every day in the mirror, hearing about it. I’m tired of having to give updates. I’m tired of hearing how strong I am or how I need to keep fighting. This all sounds so negative, right? This is why I’ve been avoiding writing and human beings. Now that I’ve address how tired I am, let’s update and get to some silver linings.
I met with my plastic surgeon that my oncologist referred me to. His name is Dr. Lekkas. Again, ya girl went to her appointment alone. I think it’s kind of silly to ask my boyfriend to take time off of work to go with me. I realized that almost all of my close friends are men, and I thought it would be weird to ask them to go talk about implants with me, so I decided I could handle this appointment alone. While I did check out heads of hair, I also did a good job at listening and writing down notes at this appointment. I will be doing a double mastectomy-no nipple sparing surgery that will follow expanders that will be place under the muscle and filled weekly. I cannot get breast implants immediately because I am choosing to not keep my nipples. The time line will go- mastectomy with expanders, weekly fills and radiation, then expanders to implants surgery. I will have some time off in between surgeries and radiation to allow my body to heal. Now to answer your questions. I am choosing a double mastectomy with no nipple sparing because I have a risk of getting cancer again because of my age and it being hormone positive. I am choosing to not cut any corners in this, because chemo fucking sucks. I don’t want to do this again, and again. Was this decision easy? Yes. Am I fucking devastated I am losing my breasts? Abs-o-fucking-lutely. I, without hesitation, knew I wanted a double mastectomy the minute I knew I had breast cancer. That is not a decision I ever once second guessed. If I choose to keep my nipples, I will run the risk of getting breast cancer in my nipples, and I’m sorry- but it ain’t worth it.
As for an update on Taxol, it’s been a lot easier than AC. I puked during my first round of Taxol in the hospital, and the whole car ride home. But by the second round, I had adjusted a lot better. The bone pain is indescribable. I am miserable when it comes to that. Specifically-my knees really, really hurt. I talk myself out of going to the gym a lot because I’m in so much pain. I’m doing the best I can to try to work through it, but it really sucks. I have 10 more rounds of Taxol left, and then my mastectomy will be the first week in June. I’m focusing on giving my chest as much love as possible before I lose my breasts.