I had my first date with the red devil

My pet scan came back good and my biopsy from my left breast came back negative.  That’s the best news I’ve had in awhile, and I’m holding onto it with the tightest grip.


Right now my plan of action is AC+T.  I will do AC for 8 weeks, and T for 12 weeks.  Today was my first day of chemo.  I wasn’t nervous or scared.  I listened to music throughout the day and tried to control my tone for how things would be.  I was very fortunate that a private room was open so I could sit quietly and not have any distractions.  Nick brought his laptop and headphones and I brought mine.  I told him to leave me alone and if I wanted something I’d let him know.  I’m so thankful he understands my anxiety and gives me the space I need.  I didn’t want to be touched or looked at, I wanted to listen to my music and be left alone in peace.

I put on Modern Life is War’s My Love My Way album and closed my eyes and curled up into a ball sucking on ice chips and focused on the only things I could-my breathing, my thoughts, and my tone. (they give you ice chips because the A drug can cause mouth sores)  I focused on my concrete box, and how the chemo was going to stay inside this box and how I was healing my body.  Basically y’all, I worked some hippy dippy magic up in my VIP cancer room and kept myself from having a fucking panic attack.  Song 10 came up.  “we overcome, we push ahead”  I knew I had found the right tone.  Once my date with the red devil ended and we moved onto the C drug, I had completely calmed down and was able to watch funny youtube videos of that woman that eats too many edibles and does dumb things.  So I guess you could say I survived my first chemo date.


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