“this world owes you nothing” is a line in a converge song I have tattooed on me. It’s to remind myself to not be a victim. Unfortunately, others never really picked up on that so I’m left to deal with angry family members that want to tell me how to handle my cancer.
I haven’t been writing because I don’t want to write about how depressing and negative everything has been so far, because it’s the truth. I don’t like to focus on the negative, and it’s not because I’m being naive, it’s because I don’t feel any better doing so, and if something doesn’t make me feel good then it’s a waste of my time and I really hate wasting my own time. My chemo port is infected because we discovered I’m allergic to the glue they’ve been using. I had to pay $50 for a “chemo class” that was two nurses reading me a brochure they could have given to me on day one of this diagnosis. I picked up my prescription and sat in the parking lot inside my car crying because I saw my chemo port in my rear view mirror and lost it. It got even better when I looked over to see a man sitting in his van watching me cry my eyes out while I held my collar away from my neck. I don’t know what good this does to tell or write about it. I don’t know why people keep pushing me to cry and be angry and feel how they want me to feel. People are pushing for me to be vulnerable and emotional in such a way that I’m starting to think they don’t think I’m human and will get some kind of enjoyment out of it? I don’t know why it matters if the world knows I’ve cried or not. I have. I’ve cried every day this month. Does that make this easier for everyone else to know I’ve been a complete mess? Because it doesn’t make it easier for me to say it out loud. This is why I’m trying my best to get through this in secret for as long as humanly possible. I don’t have time for everyone’s fear and self destruction. My time is valuable. My energy is especially valuable and if you’re not contributing love and positivity than you’ll find silence on my end.
They don’t tell you how quickly everything moves. You don’t get much time to process. I’m just trying to remind myself to not be a victim. Be a survivor.